Maybe this blog should be called the three am chronicles.  I am figuring out that that is the only time I may have to write.  And, sitting on a chair in front of Michael's room..there is not much else I can do.  See..one of the more gruelling aspects, I have found, is that children with autism often (very often) have sleep problems. As usual there are many theories as to why, no real answers, and above all... no quick solutions.  During the day, you try to offer constant attention and interaction to your child, ABA therapy, lots of love, everything to the point of worrying if you are short changing your other child.  In the mean time, you also cook everything from scratch and avoid the microwave, because a natural, grain free, starch free, sugar free, soy and corn free and dye free diet is best for your child.  And then at night, you often end up awake for several hours because something, either external (a bird, a storm, a gust of the aircondition) or internal (who knows what)woke up your son, and getting back to sleep takes literally hours.  Hours that you have to sit perched on a chair in front of his room, because if not... he will slap open that door and start wandering around he house, waking everyone else up as well.

t three am, with a meeting at 8 am, for which I need to be alert and for one also looking well (photographs will be taken), it is hard to think of positive things right now.  But they are there.  Michael did  make his first peepee in the potty today, leading me to believe that this may just be my last year of changing his diapers.  He is speaking  more and more.  He loves to play with me, with his dad, with his brother... At just three, he knows all the letters of the alphabet and can recognize them.  And I love him.  I love him so much.
But at 3 am, I am not feeling like celebrating victories.  I want to go to sleep.  I want to look well and professional tomorrow.  I want to have my brain available, not lost in a fog of sleep deprivation.  I work twelve hours a week.  Most weeks, eight or more of these hours are worked from home, several even after both boys are off to bed.  The few times I do actually work with people, I do not want to be a zombie. 
At three years old, you should be past the sleep deprivation that you expect the first year or so with a new baby.  It seems somehow as if the baby phase is extended: difficulty communicating, no self control, difficulty sleeping...  I want to go to the next phase.  
Michael is so full of potential, so full of life, and love, and gifts.  I look forward to seeing him develop, and I pray for the strength to give him all he needs.  I also pray for sleep.  Particularly on nights like this, where -with tears in my eyes- I am seeing the minutes tick by and am reverse calculating how much sleep I can expect.  At the moment I am estimating three hours...