In those first weeks I panicked.  I cried.  I despaired, I screamed.  There was very little I did not do in those first few months of grief.  I was overwhelmed.  I had not healed yet from all the catastrophe's that this year had thrown to us, and all of a sudden there was this.. earthquake.  Things seemed to happen so fast.  Michael seemed to be changing and withdrawing day by day, speaking less.  Avoiding eye contact.  I felt like I was loosing my little boy to something so cruel I did not have the words for it.  I barely dared to read about Autism because all I heard were things I did not want to hear.  "My eight year old son was doing so badly but now he has a vocabulary of twenty words."  I couldn't handle the thoughts.  The stories of 8 year olds that had to be talked to their bath.  Sure there were stories too how Bill Gates or even Steven Spielberg would be on the spectrum but so much more stories that scared me.  WHere had things gone wrong?  Why were they changing?  What could I do?

Bill was like a rock in those early weeks and months.  I do not know where he got the strength to deal with the news and with me falling apart, but he did.  We hustled, bustled, started a special diet, tried to squeeze him in as fast as possible to get help, because whatever we read said that early intervention was key.

And now we are a little over three months in, and things are starting to settle.  There are challenges, yes. And hard work and lots of patience needed.  Especially when it concerns sleeping.  But there are hilarious moments as his language and understanding is starting to develop quickly all of a sudden.  He interacts more and he shows it is rather hard to pull one over on him.   Still, I have trouble with it.  Communication and relations are my life.  The fact that both of those with Michael are such hard work feels strange.   I remember thinking so hard: "I do not want this.  I do not want this.  I have had enough to fight.  Please don't make me do this. I don't want this.  Take it away."
I still do not want this.  But the hysteria has faded and what remains is the work.  And the journey.  And the hope.  And above all the love.